Dealing with Death
Being Present in Death
When I was 21 my Great-Grandmother passed away. We all new it was coming. My mother and younger brother moved in with her to help her die in peace at home. They had a very long commute everyday to and from her house so moving in with her seemed like the best option. They were there with her almost round the clock to make sure that she was comfortable and was being taken care of in a way that was dignified and respectful. Eventually my Great-Grandmother passed away in peace in her own bed.
Ten years later her daughter, my Grandmother left us. After battling and surviving breast cancer she had a recurrence several years later. This time she decided not to fight it, she felt that she had lived a long and happy life and that all of her children and grandchildren were able to go on without her. My wife at the time was there at her side acting as a nurse for her as she proceeded to struggle with life. I cannot say how proud I am of my ex-wife, my mother and uncles that were there for my Grandmother in her last months. She was happy when she went. Everyone had the chance to say good bye and she, in turn had the chance to pass on the last memories and wisdom she had for each of us. She passed in her sleep in her own bed in peace as well.
Several years later her son, my Uncle passed as well. His passing was much more difficult in the way that the cancer had taken him and he eventually had to be moved to a care facility when it became to difficult for my mom to care for him. He and I had spent a lot of time talking when I was growing up. He was probably a larger father figure to me than my own, who was mostly absent in my life after the age of 13. My most formative years were spent with my uncle, he lived with my mom, brother and I for a long time after my parents divorce. I did not handle his passing very well.
I was unable to be a part of any of this. Not because I wasn’t around but because I was afraid of death and being alone. To face the death of my family members meant that I had to face my own mortality, to face the fact that being alone was my greatest fear. I chose to disappear and to drink away the fear and pain. I spent most of my teenage years and adult life running from the fear and pain that I felt.
Four and half years ago I started on my path of living a life in recovery and vowed that I would be there for my family no matter how hard it would be when the time came. Now it is time to face that fear and pain of loss and loneliness again. My partner lost her mother suddenly and surprisingly. She was a wonderful woman that raised 7 children, all of whom live within a 20 minute drive and were constantly involved as a strong family unit. My partner lived with her mother and her three children were all raised in that house, the youngest is still there. To say that there is a strong bond between them would be an understatement.
Having never been emotionally available for my family, I am now given the opportunity to do things better than before. No matter how much it hurts, how much fear it brings up in me, I can say that I am now strong enough to be there for my partner and her family. I feel the pain they feel, it breaks my heart to watch the tears of loss and memory well up with in her. With every sob and heave of her chest I feel her pain and loss. Her fear of what the future without her mom holds. The fear of money not being enough to cover the costs of the funeral and living after it has passed. There is so much unknown for her looking forward.
I am grateful for the gifts I have been given freely by those that went before me in AA, Because of their teachings, I am able to be present for my partner and her family. Clear and present is something I never was before. I only hope that it is enough to help her through this immensely painful time. In the years to come I will be there for her and her family in every way possible. When it is my own mother’s time, I will be there for her in the same way she has been for so many. I do not like to practice these things, yet this is the circumstance that I have been given. A life worth living and a family worth living it for.