When The Fear of Change is Outweighed by The Pain of Living.
Day 3
It now seems clear to me that my mother truly was only waiting for me to come around. She has been there for me to talk to and tell me some harsh truths about my life that I chose not to see. It must have been so hard on her to have to stay away and watch me fall apart. She was right, I needed to fall apart so that I could be put back together again.
I am glad that my mother suggested AA as a course of action. Everything I hear in these rooms seems to bring me hope and give me some sort of direction to follow. It’s funny how in my drinking and drugging days I would never have wanted to hear these things about myself, let alone admit them. I would have run away as fast was possible if anyone started to share with me the things I now hear on a daily basis. When at last the fear of change is outweighed by the pain of living.
Spoke to my Mother again for a long time. She is in the hospital recovering from knee replacement surgery. All I want to talk about is how much I miss my girlfriend. How selfish am I? I learned from our conversation that I have been selfish my whole life. Putting my wants above anyone else or my needs. The drink or some other immediate satisfaction always came first. My selfishness has cost me everything in my life. Good jobs, a marriage, my family and my best friend.
I am going to another AA group at noon today. I spent time reading the “Big Book” as well.
First meeting of the day went well! I got my 24 hour coin, 27 days till my 1 month coin. I found my higher power token, the glass heart that my girlfriend gave me. It symbolizes love and how fragile life can be.
Thank you my dear for showing me the way. I hope you find your way to happiness too. <3 Be strong my love, I am doing this for me so I can be strong and stable. I will someday be the rock you need. I will be the rock I need!
Went to a meeting with an old friend, the meeting was a little distracting but I really connected with how he breaks it down. Sponsor #1!
Little did I know how self centered my life was. I have come to believe in the years since writing this journal, that selfishness is to do something because you want to knowing that it may cause harm or strife to others. Self-centeredness is to do something because you want to not realizing what how it will affect others. Knowing this I still recognize that not intending to hurt someone, still hurts them. The semantic difference between “not trying to do something” and “trying not to do something” has a drastically different impact on my life. After all I am judged by others on my actions not my intentions. I am the only one that is comforted by my intentions, not the injured.
I still have the glass heart that I wrote about in this entry. It will always be a part of my life and recovery. I have since come to believe in a higher power at work in my life, yet the importance of that glass heart and the symbolism of it’s power and its fragility will never be lost. The yin and the yang, the balance in life and the eternal flame that still burns.