Happy Father’s Day
Day 5
So far the first five days at this point have seemed like forever. I get up in the morning and check out what’s going on with her everyday. It is the first thing that I do everyday and the last thing I do every night. It is certainly self inflicted torture. I am just waiting for the axe to fall on our relationship. I don’t know how to live without her and I don’t know if I want to, yet I know that I don’t want to continue in the pain I am feeling. This morning the axe finally fell and I was completely crushed, my heart broken beyond repair. The cruelest blow in the most distant and impersonal form was delivered to me from someone that I had trusted.
Lucky for me I have the best son in the world. He took me out of myself and out of the city. The first road trip with him where he did all of the driving. I was so blessed that day to have him and know that I had at least one or two relationships that I had not completely screwed up. That was the best Father’s Day gift I could have ever asked for.
I found out this morning that “Jane” unfriended me. She couldn’t even break up in person. I thought she was better than that.
I had a great day with my son for Father’s Day. We played ball and went for a drive for a burger out in Allyn.
Now I must stay sober for me!!
Looking back I have to laugh at the level of importance I put on not only my relationship with (ex-girlfriend) but with every one that I have ever had. I judged my worth by how others saw me. That emptiness inside was always needing to be filled by what somebody else thought of me. Apparently I didn’t think enough of myself to be able to be happy without outside approval. This searching for validation came in all forms of relationships from girlfriends to friends, co-workers and even people I just met. How tiring it was to always be saying “Look at me, I’m so fun, don’t you like me?”
Now I realize that all I really needed was to like myself. I had a sponsor tell me that the only way for me to gain self-esteem and like the person I was is to do things that I respect. From respectful actions one gains respect for one’s self. He had me go out and do three things that were helpful to others everyday, even in the smallest way like picking up trash I see, and tell no one. This wasn’t for me to get recognition but for me to learn to respect myself. I believe that the things I do when no one is looking are the things that are the measure of my self respect.