The Addict in Me
Day 8
The days seem to be getting better slowly at this point. Some days are better than others and the realizations of my addiction are coming at me fast and furious. My head is spinning with the thoughts and emotions that I hid from and pushed aside for so long. The deeper looks, the searching of the soul, these are all things that seem to be starting for me in earnest.
Today went okay. I went to two meetings, that is thirteen in eight days. I wrote a three page letter to “Jane” that I will never send. I wrote my Step #1 paper, six pages of my drug and booze history and how it affected my life. I broke down with “Jane”, I emailed her asking if she would read the letter. I got a “No” response. Then like the addict that had one drink, I called her four times only to be ignored. I am addicted to her! I want to be angry at there bit I cannot find in in myself. I need to leave her be, not only for myself, she needs her time to get strong too.
I have had discussions lately with “Jane” about the addict that I am. We have discussed that in my past there was no middle ground. That when I did something it was all or nothing, whether is was a hobby, partying, loving or self destructing I was going do it better than you and at all cost. I see now that there is balance in my life and that I am able to enjoy so many more things completely. The little things that I passed dover and payed no attention to are no at the forefront of my daily experience.
Recently someone asked me if I thought that my relationship with “Jane” was just a replacement for the booze. I thought about this for a long while because I ,obviously from this journal entry, had contemplated this before. Today I can easily and confidently say that I can and will live my life without “Jane” if our relationship comes to a point where things are not of equitable exchange. I ask myself from time to time, am I still happy? Am I getting out of this relationship what I need? So far today the answer is yes. That may change tomorrow, who knows. Recovery has given me the ability to pause before I react. Look at the big picture instead of right now. Not to trade what I want right now for what I really want. Today all I have is this moment and right now, everything is still equitable.